


A letter to one of you Guys

by Nokshame



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Gen, Headcanon, Other, Tags Are Hard, Tags May Change, YouTuber Dan Howell, YouTuber Phil Lester
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-23
Updated: 2018-01-07
Packaged: 2019-02-18 21:52:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 9,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13109223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nokshame/pseuds/Nokshame
Summary: Daniel writes to one of his followers and subs.





	1. One

@BraveMarie80s  
So I hope you don't mind that I slide into your Dms. (Ironic usage) I was lookin through some stuff and noticed your username on a lot of things. Twitter, Tumbler, Facebook, Insta (Did someone watch my “How To Befriend your Favorite Internet Star Video?” HA) You seem... cool? This is a mistake.  
I have seen some of your posts/pictures/memes and I was compelled to contact you. I hope this doesn't backfire. If Phil were here and knew I was doing this he would have a bird. Sorry Phily. 

I want to talk to someone who doesn't know me really, but seems relatable. I know that you follow me, so this may not be cool or less bias of an opinion that I need, but hopefully since you are older than me, it is... well. Yahknow? So I am going to talk to you like I do my subs. It's an unhealthy coping mechanism for my social anxiety, tbh. Thing is, that is how I am with my friends. At least now it is. So it's not a negative thing. Yeah. SO.

Where to start. It's Christmas. Phil's up north with his family and happy. Don't get me wrong, I love him enough to be happy for him, but I am sad for myself. I am having a pity party really. Hey, I'm allowed sometimes. He has the warm, keep in touch all the time, intimate family and sometimes I envy that. I am not unloved. My family loves me very much (I hope anyway) and I love them, but other than my grandma, there isn't really any intimacy. (I also am glad I can use words like this without the jokes. I am all up for a joke, but it's still a damned word okay?) It's okay though. I am more of a loaner anyway. (So Hipster, am I right?) I only think about it around Christmas and it's usually a fleeting thought.  
“But Dan you are depressed, I'm sure it hurts a lot.”  
Wrong. Not exactly how depression works, at least not all the time. And honestly, it really doesn't really hurt or bother me.  
Judging by what I have seen on your pages you know this anyway. (Yeah I checked you out, cuz like. Yeah. I kinda wanted to talk to you. I am not a stalker, I swear.) I wonder how long you have suffered, it seems like so much longer than I have. Soz. In all seriousness. I really am sorry.

So today I decided to look you up and contact you. Opened a message and I put on some good ol Charli XCX. I am just reflecting on life and shit. No worries, no extensional Crisis.  
Here's a little secrete for you, extensional Crisis is kinda my old branding.  
Through therapy I have realized that more of that was related to my depression so having assistance with that I now know how to look at it differently. I don't spend hours anymore laying on a carpet patch. (Rip Gas leak drill flat) I didn't know really that it was depression at first, but It was.  
Anyway, this took a turn. I was supposed to be writing you a real letter, yeah? Not tearful.  
Damn son. I am a mess, but I am calm.  
I feel like I am starting to figure out who I am to a point where Danny don't give a shit what people think about him. So fuck it. This is going to get rambly, soz.  
I wonder how many of my subs would actually accept this Dannysnot. (I just cringed at myself. I hope you appreciated that. Yup.)  
But you wanted me to be real. At least that's what I have gathered from what you have said on your posts. I know it's a risk to write to you, but I seem to recall you are older than I am so perhaps you are more adult about this. I can always say this was faked, it's not like anyone would fuck with the Phannies, especially if Phil got involved. I know how to play you little shit's like a fiddle. You are too predictable. I mean this as a poke of fun, hopefully since you watch me you get my humor.  
I wonder what it's like to be who you are. Is that a strange thing to say? Maybe.  
I wonder what makes someone seemingly so put together watch someone who isn't. (Me) And older. Like, no offense. But some of your replies make it seem like you are so put together and know what you're doing.  
If you are like me, I am sure you scoffed. Any way I guess I mostly wanted to contact you to let you know that what you have posted to me has inspired and helped me. I mean I crave the kindness of those who are comforting me, but I need real to stay grounded. You are real. I have seen you leave negative comments on things that I myself thought were not so great. I guess what I am saying it's nice to meet someone who isn't too scared of offending me to be honest. I respect that more than I am sure you know.  
So this was so random and maybe will trip you out. I have had a few glasses Mulled Wine. I know, terribly British, but that may have contributed to this random message.  
Thanks, Marie. I hope you are having a good day.  
Forever A Social Disaster, Daniel.  
:)


	2. Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "One of you guys" responds.

@daniellhowell

Holy shit. So I will be honest, I fan girled. (And don't you dare judge me, Daniel Howell. You even referenced a video where it was painfully obvious that you were fanboying.) I guess it's a strange thing, isn't it? Knowing someone who you feel like you actually know but really don't ( and are honestly questioning if you have envisioned them as a “friend” as a coping mechanism to deal with the fact that your life is a sham and everyone knows it.) is now actually speaking or replying back to you. Especially in this format, not just a Tweet. I am flattered, so thanks for taking the time to message me. I am no one really, so it's still strange.

For the record, you sir, are very ungallant. You referenced my being “older” like three times in your message. Wow. Rude. I mean I don't call you a young adult, do I? (Sometimes when I watch your videos, particularly the older ones I will say things like. “Oh just wait, kid.” I felt like I shouldn't lie) Still, Mr. Howell, were you taught no manners?  
Yeah, I guess I see how it may be helpful that I am older. I have more life experience. Also, I understand adult things. (Ugh Taxes and Insurance, am I right?) I don't know. I don't want to be offensive, but I hope you understand what I mean. You know, wink wink, nudge nudge.  
More than that, though, you seem like the type of person I could discuss the universe with. That is something I am craving, my soul is drawn to yours. (You do so have a soul, shut it.) It's not even... well you know. Whatever, I feel like I am being creepy. Gross. Soz.  
I know you said you didn't feel bad about the Howell verse Lester family dynamic, but still, if it was mentioned it must have invoked some sort of feeling or emotion, huh? Well, I want to say I am sorry, but I know you don't appreciate that when you feel like this. (I am pretty good at reading people) Just know that families of all sorts are strange. I am close to my parents yet we are not “touchy feely” I see families that are around me though, so I get it. I see the appeal of the Lester type family, it may be nice and wholesome, but I feel like with the type of person I am, I may also feel smothered. I said it, there. Does that make me a bad person? Probably. I like affection and being together, for a period of time. After that I crave to be alone to recharge. I used to be extremely extroverted, somethings happened and now I am not. It's strange going from one to the other. Like I don't even know who I am, maybe I never did. (As you can see as far as "having it together" clearly by now you can tell that's not entirely true. I am not sure it even is possible? Who knows.)   
I only know Charli XCX because of you. It's good music to listen when you are high. (I live in CO) I wonder what songs you listen too and what means the most to you, what the lyrics make you feel or think. I sound like a creeper again. I am lucky you understand fanboying. (At least I hope you haven't forgotten. ;))

Depression is real. Your video actually helped me explain my depression to my family. (Well your quote anyway "Sometimes I'll just wake up in that black hole and there's nothing I can do about it. The day is just a write-off, No matter what. I am this ghost version of myself and I just have to hope that when I wake up the next day, I feel better.") so yeah, I get it. It's so different than most people think. It's also so normal for others to expect you to be over it. Or they can't deal with it so they just ignore you. The shittiest part about that is that you can see both sides. Like, yeah dealing with my depressing ass is awful. I get it. Especially because I am pretty much a constant Buzzkill, but then again maybe you shouldn't be a shit friend and suck it up enough to go out to dinner with me once a month or something.(Sorry, that was pretty specific. Yeah.)

I feel like Phil would be pretty supportive. I may be wrong because I don't know you personally or your off-screen relationship, but I would think so. (If I am wrong, feel free to correct me.)  
I am older, and I don't enjoy drama or attention that much actually. I just wondered. You have a safe ear if ya want it. Christ sake, this is sad. Sorry, this took a turn too.  
When are you going to your families? I heard in a video you basically it would be a shorter visit. (Not in those words, but you know) I feel like maybe your batteries are drained so you may not be able to deal with more than a short time. I get it. Don't feel guilty, I am impressed you know your limits and stick to them to make yourself well. Some people will never do that. Keep that in mind.  
I am exhausted.  
I had a scare with a family member being in the hospital and almost on their death bed, but he is home for Christmas and will be happy. He is getting better but has a blood check on Tuesday. So this is a huge thing. This past week was hell. He still may be too sick and pass away, so it's hard to spend Christmas with him, but I want it to be the best ever, just in case.

Anyway, I got carried away like I usually do. I don't even know if you will read this, but if so, just know your courage inspires me. I am sure your other follows think so too.  
If you want to respond, please do. I am lonely if I am honest. I have two friends and one of them found new friends so we don't really see each other or talk anymore. It's pretty painful, really. 

Wow. I am lame, huh?  
Take it easy Danny boy. 

Merry Christmas.

-M

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am having fun with this. Hopefully you are too. I am having a rough time, so I am writing this story for my own selfish reasons, really. It's just cool other people have read it too.


	3. Chapter 3

@BraveMarie80s  
I am sure you know my friend count. Sorry to hear about your family member, hope they are okay.   
I wasn't intended to offend, Ma'am. I like that you are older. I mean, you know what I mean.   
Phil is supportive, but he doesn't have depression. Don't get me wrong I need him every day, but it's different when you can speak to someone who is also depressed. It's just something about relation and experience that somewhat makes it bearable. You what I mean? 

I am not going to my families until Tomorrow morning, early. I went with Phil to hang with his brother and sister in law yesterday. I'll leave in the morning. Like you said in your response, it is something I like in doses, and yes, I know exactly what you mean about being smothered. So maybe we are actually the lucky ones, if we are allowed to have this type of a family shared with us and later we get to go home. I guess. I don't know. What am I on about?  
I missed Phil. I won't lie.   
I'm sorry to hear about your friend. Why don't you tell them?  
Just be open, regardless. Life is too short, really. I bet they don't even know they are hurting you. Honestly.   
I wonder how some people get through this time of year alone. It's sad really. I can be in the pit and still have love when I resurface, but some people don't. I'm not sure what I am about. (I keep saying that. Am I like trying to prove to you that I am British, as if you didn't know?)  
I gather you are in America and there is snow. Exciting!!! Snow is fun.   
What do you do for a living? I mean you don't have to tell me, just seems like you probably have a very interesting job.   
Is it strange that I want to get to know you? Does this break some Youtuber subscriber code? I don't know. 

Well, I forgot to send this at the right time. I fell into a pit. I am a fail. I hope you had a Merry Christmas! I am home now. I am sure you saw my tweet about Colin and the cake. I mean, we should have known better. Honestly it's our fault. Poor Colin. 

Anyway sorry again for my fail. I hope you are doing well and spend the last parts of 2017 happy.  
~D


	4. Four

@danielhowell.  
I see what you did there, why are you mocking me sir? What have I done to warrant such an attack?  
Things here, well they are not so good. My family member died on Tuesday. I had been in a constant state of bawling until I am sick or sick until I am bawling with grief.  
I really haven't had anyone to talk to about it, as those around me are grieving too and my friends I have are too busy to talk. They have been supportive, but don't have time to take care of me. Which is what I feel I need honestly. But what are you going to do?  
I am so messed up right now. Like in everyway. I am numbing myself out. Two days and nights of bawling all of the time (at home and at work. Oh yeah, you asked. I am an authenticator at smaller business. Glamorous, huh? No. Not really. I don't mind it though. I like my actual job duties, so that's good)

Love is a hell of a thing, isn't it? Pain like this makes me not want to love anymore. I could be happy without having that deep of a connection, could I? Or maybe not. With the shit that 2017 brought me, I can feel the cynicism in my veins. I don't want to be this person, but it what I have become. Negative, bitter. I hate it.  
I think the real issue is I have nothing to offer, really. People say I do, but then don't want to be around me, so what the hell am I to think.  
I get lost a lot thinking and trying to figure out how the hell I am to move on from 2017. HOW? It's been one shit storm after another.  
Fuck. Sorry.

I am whining. Sorry. Anyway I hope you relax in the last moments of 2017, I don't think that you will have much time in 2018. A world tour, huh? Do you ever sit and think, “Holy shit, this is my life?” I think I would. I haven't ever been on a plane, let alone left the US. You and Phil are lucky lads.  
I will see you in July. I bought tickets. No VIP, I am poor. But I will be there supporting you both as I respect you as content makers. Well. I guess that's all I have for now.  
~M (DON'T BULLY ME)


	5. Five

@BraveMarie80s  
It took me awhile to respond to this, because I didn't know that to say. I mean, I know saying that I am sorry is too cliche, too forced, but I am. How awful to lose someone at all, let alone this time of year. Truly, I am sorry. My heart...  
Yeah.  
Anything else that I was going to bitch about now seems so pointless in comparison. Love is hard, love is pain. I understand the darkness and slip when you no longer can tell if you are being ironic or just cynical and bitter.   
That is one of the burdens of humor that is also self deprecating, sometimes you can't tell what's real and what's the joke. It's actually really lonely and sad. 

I am really surprised by what my life is, honestly. I still feel like it's fake most of the time. We were so lucky to have TATINOF... but now we have Interactive Introverts. I was supposed to study Law. And here I am. (I am sure you know the story) It is really stupid, actually. Phil and I marvel over our lives every time something this huge is presented to us .   
I am glad you are coming to the tour. Thank you for the support.   
How are you doing now, it's been a couple of days since the passing. I'm sorry if that's triggering. I just feel like maybe talking about it may help? Don't want you in the pit too long.   
Sorry.   
Any way, I wasn't bullying you. I was imitating you, which btdubs you should be flattered by. I mean really, you know the saying, yeah?

In all seriousness though, be kind to yourself.   
~D-isnotabully


	6. Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a format change for this one.
> 
> Not so fun fact. Some of Maire's events are really what happened to me.  
> Yes, I told you this is a self indulgent peice of trash :P

@danielhowell Hi. D is snot a bully. (You did this to yourself, I hope you realize) I am okay. It's been a rough week if I am honest. I have been numbing like I said, but also feeling too. It's so strange. I feel like I am walking around in a haze, like I am watching myself from the outside looking in. Grief is so hard people think it's all emotionally charged and in your head, but it's not. I haven't been sleeping properly for days and I either don't eat at all or eat way, way to much. My legs hurt, badly. Bosses don't really care much past a day about grief, if they even care at all. Mine ignored me the day I went back to work, though she could clearly tell something was wrong. I was pretty pissed. I wondered why I even pushed myself to go to work. I think maybe it was because I knew that that would hold me together for at least 8 hours, I was right. After that first day though, I have been pretty maintained. It doesn't feel okay or better when I think about it, but I am not sobbing all of the time. Life feels so sharp right now, so broken. It's hard to explain. I literally feel like at least 50-60 percent of my heart was crushed this year. For so many reasons. Sorry, I am depressed right now. So I understand if you don't want to talk until later.

 

@BraveMarie80s Hey, I get it. I have lost only a few people, none really close to me. A pet would be the closest thing to true heart break. It was bad. But I get it. Don't feel like you have to pretend with me. It's all good. Twitter is kind of being a jerk right now. Sorry for the delay.

@danielhowell Would it be strange if I gave you my cell number? Does that even work? Could you even text me? Can I text you? Do I have to pass a back ground check? Should I consult a Lawyer?

@BraveMarie80s Relax. It will be fine. It should seem strange, but it doesn't. I don't mind texting you. Please don't share my number. Cuz. Like. I don't want to be stalked and die. (I am not kidding, if you are member of the “Phandom” you know about the “Detective Shippers” Sweet Jesus, it's truly terrifying.) What is your number? D~ nowwhoisbullyingwho?

@danielhowll For God Sake. Wow Dan. My number is: (720)-234-5678. It's been many a year since I have given a man my cell phone number that wasn't a bill collector or boss.

New Message 07890 123456

_Hello, not a bill collector or boss, it's your Boi, Dannyhizzi_

Wow, Dan. That almost makes me sick

_Oh come off it._

Whatever. So Daniel Howell texted me on a Saturday night. I feel like I should be in the middle of being told I have two other wishes. ;)

_Ha Ha HA_

What? It's true.

_I am just a guy._

We both know that's not true. Let's at least be honest here.

_Well okay, maybe not "just a guy"_

This is so strange, but then again, I feel like I know you already. I probably don't... but still. Is this weird for you?

_Well, not as much as you would think. I meet new people more than I'd like to._

Fair enough. If you thought Phil being upset about you DMing me was a bad idea, he's probably going to have kittens over you texting me.

_It would be fine if it was puppies._

Well, which ever.

_Yeah, Yeah. It's fine._

If you say so, Mister. When everything falls apart, don't blame this gal, okay?

_Wouldn't dream of it. How are you doing?_

I am tired, very tired. And lonely, but don't want to actually be around people. Does that even make sense?

_It does to me._

Well at least there is that.

_Can I ask who passed?_

You can say died. It's what happened. They are dead. Some people take comfort in things like “passes away” or “went to heaven.” Any time I say it like that it is only for other people's comfort. I really can't stand it.

_Oh. Sorry._

It's fine.

_Clearly._

I am not mad, it just irritates me is all. Moving on.

_Okay... so is that a no then?_

To what?

_Me asking about who... died...._

Oh, right. My furbaby. (He was a cat)

_Aww :(_

Yeah. I rescued him about 5 years ago. He was one. He was my baby.

_I'm sorry :( I can't imagine the hurt._

I am okay now, though I won't be much longer if we keep talking about it.

_Okay, Sorry. So what do I call you?_

You can call me Marie.

_Okay, Marie it is._

What are you doing up so late?

_Couldn't sleep well. I feel jet lagged but I'm not. It's super annoying._

I bet.

_Yeah, ah are you okay for now?_

Yes?

_I hate to do this, but I am really falling asleep._

Danisnotawakenow

_Stop. Pls._

Ha. Okay. Go to sleep loser. ;) I hope you get some rest.

_Ouch. I think you really are a bully. Rude._

Suck it up, buttercup.

_I just rolled my eyes._

Well that's rude.

_Yeah yeah.Talk to you soon._

Gonna hold yah to that, sir.

_Night_

Goodnight, Daniel.


	7. Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end of 2017.

Daniel Howell:10:35 AM

_Hello. Happy last day of 2017! I hope I didn't wake you._

 

Hi. No you didn't wake me. Typically I am up by 5:30AM Monday-Friday and 6:00AM on the weekends, though today I slept in until 9:00AM because I was up too late. Happy last day of 2017 to you too! (THANK GOD IT'S ALMOST OVER)

 

_Had a rough year?_

 

You've no idea.

 

 _Holy. Shit. You wake up early_.

 

Yeah, well I have to be to work early, hence the early wake up call. I typically am in bed by 8:00PM

 

_Wow, this is a world of which I do not know. How are you not tired all the time?_

 

I am. Coffee is my life.

 

_I don't think there is enough coffee in the world for that early._

 

Eh, I've been doing it for years, It's works most of the time. So, How are you?

 

_Phil keeps asking my who I am talking to._

 

So Tell him?

 

_Ah. He gives a killer dirty look. I am scared. Phil's mean._

 

I can't imagine that to be true. He must be a really good actor!

 

_Oh you have no idea. How are you? What are you doing?_

 

I'm tired and kinda melancholy. And PUBG.

 

_Oh, you game?_

 

Well mostly I PUBG, but I have dabbled in a few others. Undertale is my fave. I never played it, but I watched Jack and then you guys play it.

 

_Jacksepticeye fan huh?_

 

Yeah, course.

 

_He's a nice guy. Don't know him real well, but he wants to bring positivity and light to the platform. Youtube needs more of that._

 

Agreed.

 

_Are you a massive Youtube Fangirl? (No shame, we all know my origin story.)_

 

Well, religiously I only watch you, Phil and of course the gaming channel. I enjoy Jack, Mark, Bob sometimes. A dose of Buckly. Sometimes PJ. Day by Dave, RobertIDK... Endigo.

 

_Well that's quiet a few, how many hours do you spend on Youtube?_

 

I feel like this is an attack that I was not prepared for.

_Attack, pls. Well!?_

Enough, D slice. Enough.

 

_Ugh. Okay well I will let you get back to PUBG. Kill lot's of people!_

 

HA! The most kills I have gotten in a game are three, and that was luck. Sheer luck. Months ago.

 

_Still better than 0 tbh._

 

Well look at that positive panda attitude. This pleases me.

 

_Awkward._

 

Sorz.

 

_Will talk to you later._

 

Yes. You should tell Phil I don't really like being a dirty secrete.

(Especially since I pose no threat to you. I am a poor girl who cannot afford to stalk you. I have adult bills, son.) I am sure he won't be too mean and if he is I have a spare room. Come to Colorado. It's nice here.

 

_I don't think of you as a dirty secrete. Really._

 

Okay. TTFN

 

_I'll text you later._

 

If you want, that's fine.

 

_Ouch._

 

What?

 

_I see how important I am._

 

Again, What? I don't really know you...

 

_“If you want, that's fine.”_

 

Well, shit Howell. Excuse me for trying to be respectful. I am not an obligation. What was I supposed to say “Oh my God, if you don't I'll totes die!!” Here's the thing, I'm 33, not 13 Dan.

 

_Good point._

 

Mhm.

 

_Okay, well I will still text you later._

 

Until then....

 

 

 

 

 

 


	8. Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil Contacts "one of you guys"

@bravemarie80s 10:55AM

Hi. I figure since you are talking to Dan, maybe I should get to know you.

I find it odd that you both are talking, you know fan to creator. I don't really talk to my subs.

I am not trying to be rude. I know Dan is an adult, but I feel like he approached you at a time of vulnerability and may not know how to get out of it. I don't want him to end up in a circumstance that comes back to haunt him, personally or professionally. I am not sure what all you have talked about, I am not his dad. I just know that this is the first time he has ever carried on a conversation with someone like this in a long time. A really long time. I just wanted to see if you would talk to me too. I just don't want him to get hurt, really. I hope this isn't offensive, I don't mean to be.

 

@amazingphil

Holy cow. (I will sensor myself because the version of you I know doesn't like swearing, though I am not sure if that's the truth when you are not preforming.) Two of my fave Youtubers have contacted me. I feel like perhaps 2017 is issuing a constellation prize for the crap cake it delivered me. Or maybe not. Depends on you I guess.

Dan said he was afraid you would be mad at him. I told him to tell you. I told him not to keep me a secrete. I can send you screen shots if you want. I am 33, I live in Colorado. I am poor. I can relate to Dan. Theses are facts. You are so brave and insecure. I get it, I am you in a friendship. Over protective, scared of losing that person, scared someone else will do terrible things to them. So I get it.

“I don't really talk to my subs.”

Well you did at one time, didn't you?

“I just know that this is the first time he has ever carried on a conversation with someone like this in a long time. A really long time.” Do you mean since 2009? I don't want to assume or being “that guy” but are you jealous? It sounds a little jealous to me. (Jealousy is something that I am very, very familiar with.)

Is it that I am on the internet or that I am female? Are you being sexist? (I doubt it, if the you I see on my screen is even remotely close to the real you. I hope it is) Is it because you think I will steal him? I pose no threat. Really. I don't. Being someone's second something is not a new thing for me. I can deal. I won't try to ruin your friendship yada yada. I suffer from depression too, I have for almost all of my life. I think Dan saw something he could relate too, or perhaps even learn from and decided to take a chance. When you are in the “pit” (Or a low point of the cycle) sometimes you are vulnerable sometimes just enough to seek out someone else's advise. Do you really think he was rash? That he didn't check me out at all? Is that like him? (I am not being sarcastic, in all honesty I don't know. I don't really know Dan, not yet anyway. I know of him and what I know about him he has only told me bits and pieces of.)

This response is with all due respect. I admire and appreciate you, Phil. I really do.

Please don't think I don't realize the odd dynamic. As I recently told Dan, I am 33 not 13. I have an adult life and responsibilities that have to come first, as you both do too. So I get it. I am a “fangirl” but I am also a logical adult who gets it. You both are famous. I am nobody. I get it.

I guess time will be the only thing to convince you. I have no references for internet relationships. Sorry. Most people don't notice I exist. (Wow that sounds really like self pity, it isn't. It's really a fact)

So, Yes, Phil. I will talk to you too. I have nothing to hide. Life has beat me up  pretty much every day for a month, so even if I did have something to hide (Which I don't. I am really ordinary and plain. ) I wouldn't have the energy to pretend. I have to do that when I am at my day job. All day.

~M

 

@bravemarie80s

Thank you for responding.

I am just concerned. I am not being a jerk. I just wanted to make sure he's not getting catfished.

Thank you for supporting me.

:)

 

@amazingphil

You're welcome. I honestly have had to look up “catfished” in the past because I didn't know what it meant. I am not doing that.

~M

 

@bravemarie80s

Okay. Thanks.

 

@amazingphil

You're welcome.

~M

 

\--

Daniel Howell 11:48AM

Best friendo, Phil needs to be stopped. Not only does he like to meddle in my business, he ate all of my Crunchy Nut again. And what's worse, is that He is mad at me so he wont buy me more. truly a monster!  >:/

@amazingphil

Really, Dan? Should pack my toys and go home, then?

@bravemarie80s

Play nice, kids. 

\--

 

12:00PM

Dan, Publicly and passive aggressively shaming your friend in a tweet is really shit.

 

_Well, he had it coming. I am sorry he messaged you._

 

I'm a big girl. He is worried about you. That tweet was rude.

 

_Well I am not a child. I told him and he didn't listen too or respect me at all. He just went and Dmed you. I wasn't expecting him to be that intrusive._

 

I know. Neither was I. It still was rude.

 

_He doesn't get it. I explained it to him. He thinks I am a naïve child._

Were you genuine or standoffish?

 

_What does that even mean?_

 

It all depends on the approach you took with him, Dan. Were you indignant?

 

_I don't know. He started asking me if I had lost my mind._

 

And that upset you, right?

 

“ _Well YEAH. Lord. He knows how I feel about him making me out to look like a child. Which he does. A lot._

 

Like I said, he's worried.

 

_It's not okay._

 

Tell him. Not me.

 

_He really is mad at me, he won't talk to me._

 

He's probably doing damage control. That tweet as not okay, Dan. You owe him an apology and perhaps another tweet explaining it was a joke so people don't attack or create drama. You know how your fans are Dan.

 

_I am still pissed._

 

That's valid. Take sometime, relax and go talk to him. Please keep in mind the whole reason this stared is because he cares about you enough to get over his own social anxiety or nervousness and message me. It really is with the best intentions.

 

_Yeah. I guess. I just don't understand. It's not like you have our address. Just my cell number. I guess I get it, a fan having it could be bad. But Jesus Christ._

 

Stop. You are making it worse be reinforcing those insecurities by rehashing them.

 

_See. This. This is why I contacted you._

 

Take sometime Dan. Relax. Apologize, I mean really apologize. None of the half assed joke stuff. Okay?

 

_Okay._

 

I think it's going to be okay, Dan. Just think before you speak or react.

 

_Thank you, Marie._

 

You're welcome, Dan.

 

 


	9. Nine

Daniel Howell 11:20AM

 

_Any plans for the first day in 2018?_

 

Laundry and getting ready to go back to work.

 

_Well that sounds fun_

 

#adulting

 

_Phil and I are going to have a Anime day I think._

 

Enjoy.

 

_Thanks._

 

Daniel Howell 12:20PM

_Are you mad at me? I know, it's ridiculous, but I feel like you are upset._

 

I'm fine, Dan.

 

_Said actually everyone who wasn't._

 

;)

 

_Seriously, what's up._

 

I am just having a day. Holiday let down? I don't know. The last two weeks have been chaos, maybe I am just decompressing.

 

_Right._

 

Here comes my insecurities: Does Phil hate me? Like I am trying to process that he even messaged me and the thought that he may hate me, well it really bugs me. I am his “fan” too.

_Phil doesn't hate anyone, Marie._

 

Well that's good.

 

_Relax, seriously. He doesn't hate you, he's just worried about me._

 

I told you that.

 

_Yes, you did. I just now accepted it and figured it out._

 

Good. Are you with Phil now?

 

_Yeah, we're still watching Anime._

 

Well then stop texting me. It's rude.

 

_Yes, Mom._

 

I didn't consent to that.

 

_Sorz._

 

TTYL Danny.

 

_:)_

 

Daniel Howell 2:15PM

 

_Phil fell asleep on me._

 

Like on top of you or like he fell asleep when you were watching the shows?

 

_Shut. Up._

 

Well I don't know!

 

_No, he fell asleep while we were watching._

 

Well, it happens.

 

_I want to fuck with him when he sleeps._

 

Daniel.

 

_Well, I'm js._

 

*Rolls eyes*

 

_So what are you doing?_

Relaxing and chores.

 

_No gaming today?_

 

Well, I did earlier. I kinda have a head ache and the noise of PUBG is triggering.

 

_Ah. Well that sucks._

 

Yes, yes it does.

 

_So do you live alone, or with your spouse or a roommate?_

 

 

Roommates who are family.

 

_Okay. Do you have kids?_

 

No.

 

_So do you have a partner?_

 

No. Are you done?

 

_Well,_

 

What is this, texting speed dating?

 

_What? No. I just want to get to know you better. Phil insisted on it._

 

Fair enough. Ask away, I told him I had nothing to hide, and I won't. I may exclude things to protect the privacy of others, but other than that, I don't care. I may not be able to answer, or comfortable enough to do so yet, however. If you respect that, fire away.

 

_Deal. Did you go to college?_

 

No, I didn't. (You call it Uni, I understand UNI, Dan! MEH)

 

_(Okay, Jeez, sorry) When is your Birthday?_

 

August

 

_Oh, a summer baby too huh?_

 

I guess, lol. You get the start and I get the end?

 

_Yeah!_

 

_What is your biggest fear?_

 

Outliving everyone I care about.

 

_Damn. Yeah._

 

Especially with losing my fur baby.

 

_Do you think you'll get another cat?_

 

I don't know, honestly. I want one, but the end is too painful. Undecided.

 

_Do you want actual children._

 

I did at one time. Now I am not sure.

 

_Did something happen?_

 

Pass.

 

_Pass?_

 

Like pass the question... Like I don't want to answer that now.

 

_Oh, Right. Okay._

 

_What is your dream job?_

 

Something like Youtube, actually. And to help others with mental health issues.

 

_Why don't you start a channel?_

 

In this Youtube economy? Um, no.

 

_Well you don't do it to make money._

 

That's not even the point. I swear too much and an very assertive and blunt. In media that = Bitch. I don't want to be seen as a bitch.

 

_Whateves._

 

Like you would know, Dan.

 

_You shouldn't give a shit what others think about you._

 

Right, I don't want to be unapproachable either. I am already single so I don't need anymore help scaring people away.

 

_You should think better of yourself._

 

Ugh. Isn't Phil awake yet?

_Yeah, he's taking a shower._

 

Thanks for the update....

 

_You're welcome._

 

I have to get back to cleaning. Have a nice day.

 

_You too. Talk to you later?_

 

Perhaps. Don't ignore Phil, though. Give him hug.

 

_Um, “Pass.”_

 

You love hugging him and you know it you liar.

 

_Don't bully me._

 

Don't lie. TTYL

 

_Bye :- <_

 

 

Daniel Howell 04:49PM

 

_Did you get done what you needed?_

 

 

Pretty much. Did you hug Phil?

 

_Fuck. Off._

 

Rude.

 

_Don't make me kiss and tell._

 

I never said anything about kissing, Danny.

 

_SHUT. UP._

 

Well. I didn't

 

_I hate you._

 

How? You don't even really know me. You texted me.

 

_Yeah, because you don't ever text me!_

 

Wow.

_Well you don't._

 

I feel strange texting you.

 

_Why?_

 

1. **Phil.** 2. **Phil** 3\. You're freaking Daniel Howell.

 

_And?_

 

Why are you purposely being dense?

 

_I get it. But everyone is something, yeah?_

 

Yeah, well you haven't watched me from a far, loved me, related to me and then POOF.

 

_:/ …_

 

Suddenly I am talking to someone that I constantly have to tell myself I don't actually know. Also feeling like I maybe made this person up because of the likeness I feel. Also feeling odd because, holy cow he is attractive. (AS WELL AS HIS BESTIE!) Like. Christ Dan. Why do you think?

 

_Uh..._

 

Yeah. See. Now you've gone an made me make it strange.

 

_Well, Shit._

 

Yeah. Exactly. Thanks.

 

_Sorry..._

 

Yeah, Yeah. Why don't you go kiss Phil again.

 

_> :(_

 

Baby.

 

 

Daniel Howell 5:55PM

 

_Hi_

 

Hi

 

_So... where do we go from here?_

 

Thanks, now Buffy the musical is going through my head!

 

“ _They got the mustard out!”_

 

UGH!!

 

_Anyway, I am sorry I made things weird. I do that. It's not just a shtick. I am a fail. All of the time._

 

It's fine. I am so used to being embarrassed by now.

 

_I didn't mean to, though._

 

I realize that.

 

_What's your favorite movie?_

 

Okay.... random.

 

_Moving ON! So what is it?_

 

I can't talk about it.

 

_Oh, NSFW is it?_

 

OMG Dan, no. You are the worst.

 

_Well what is it then?_

 

I told you, I can't talk about it... it's kind of the 1st rule...

 

_Obviously I know what you mean._

 

I'm sure you did.

 

_Hey! Give my some credit!_

 

Eh.

 

_I think Phil has another friend._

 

Okay.... 180 plot turn.

 

_I am starting to get nervous_

 

Why?

 

_I don't want to be replaced, either._

 

Well best friends can have other friends, Dan. It's a thing.

 

_But not in our type of relationship._

Well that's not very healthy.

 

_Yeah, I suddenly don't want to talk about it anymore._

 

Okay.

 

_Do you want to know anything about me?_

 

I pretty much know thing about you.

 

_Right. Um. Favorite StarBucks?_

 

If you mean drink, it would be their pre-bottled Frappuccino. I have only ever been at an actual StarBucks twice.

 

_OMG. Do you not like coffee?_

 

Love it.

 

_Well, then... how?_

 

I am poor. I can make coffee at home

 

_Wow, domestic._

 

And cheaper. And smarter.

 

_Probs._

 

I am really glad that it's 2018 now. 2017 can fuck off.

 

_I love having a clean slate._

 

Same. I hope this year goes better, maybe I won't be alone this time next year.

 

_:(_

 

Stop. It's fine.

 

_You can always talk to me._

 

Thanks.

 

_:)_

 

Well I am going to getting ready for bed soon. I am really low right now.

 

_I'm sorry. Can I do anything?_

 

No, but thank you. If you are going to keep talking to me though, I really want Phil to be cool with it. So ask him to tell you what he wants to know. I know earlier you said he wanted you to get to know me better, well, ask him what exactly. I would like to keep talking to you, but I won't do it if it hurts him.

It strange to care about the feelings of someone you really haven't even met, but I love Phil too. (In what ever strange internet love way this is. We live in a helleva time, don't we?)

 

 

_I'll ask him. I don't want this to hurt anyone. You included._

 

Honestly I still think this is part of a long dream. Or maybe coma dream. Maybe I am in a coma. Or dead...

 

_Well I am not sure that you would be a ghost, I think you need to be corporeal to type._

 

Or do I?

 

_Stop. Have a good night._

 

Thank you. You too :)

 

_Hey Marie?_

 

Yeah?

 

_Just, I'm glad I messaged you, yeah?_

 

Same. :-)

 

 


	10. Ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan is worried about "one of you guys" and later on has a confession.

Daniel Howell

_Hi_

**Message received : 10:15 AM Jan 2**

 

Daniel Howell

_So. You don't want to talk to me anymore?_

**Message received 8:15 PM Jan 2**

 

Daniel Howell

_So I am not trying to be annoying, tbh. I am kind of worried. Is that strange? Maybe._

**Message received 12:30 Am Jan 3**

 

@bravemarie80s

_Hey, So I don't know if maybe your phone is broken, or you don't want to talk to me anymore. But could you please just tell me?_

_Dhizzy out._

**Jan 4 th**

 

Daniel Howell 5:30 Pm

_So this will be my last attempt. I don't want you to think I am stalking you._

 

Hi, Dan. I am sorry it's Friday and I am just responding. Really. It isn't you, it's me.

 

_I am just glad you are okay._

 

Well, I am alive.

 

_Can I do anything to help?_

 

No. Not really.

 

_Okay. Do you want to talk?_

 

I am not sure. Maybe later.

 

_Okay. Take care of yourself. Drink water._

 

Lol, thanks Dad.

 

 

@danielhowell

This week was very hard for me. The beginning of the week started with coworkers being really hurtful. And rude. I wish I could get to a place where I didn't care, but not yet. Wednesday couldn't go to work on time. It was my stomach, but the cause was my anxiety and insomnia. I fall asleep and sleep for maybe an hour or two, then I wake up. I then doze for the rest of the night until it's time to get up.

Thursday my driver's door fender bent inwards and prevented me from opening the door more than a wee bit. I am lucky I fit in it. I am large. I did though. Today work was hell again. I got a sympathy card from the Vet. It was hard to read, but very sweet. I was, however able to find an Auto body shop who fixed my door, then charged me nothing. When I asked what I owed, he gave an incredulous huff and said “Nothing.” I was so shocked and taken back all I could do is gush appreciation. So that is my nugget of the week.

I don't have to work for two days. Perhaps I can sleep. I am having a lot of issues with my personal relationships. I either feel like I am nothing and someones last and least important priory if at all, or I feel annoyed with them and am perpetually just waiting for them to shut the hell up. I think I need to decompress. I really am still grieving too.

Sometimes I want to disappear. I just don't want to be anywhere. Or do anything. I just want to sleep. All the time. I feel like even the most mundane and daily tasks are not able to be done without great effort.

I am in the pit. I didn't realize how far until the car thing made me so happy I cried.

It's still there though, lurking, so I am on the edge of it right now. I am sorry I was shit at responding. I only have managed to eat one meal a day this week. I am trying.

Thanks for listening to me rant, (I used twitter because I typed this on my PC) I hope you are well.

PS: I saw the tweet. Are you sure that will be okay for you? (I mean this both as a shit and as a friend honestly worried about your mental health.)

~M

 

@bravemarie80s

_I sounds like you are going through so things. I'm sorry._

_I wont just spew meaningless words at you, but know that I do care and am sorry._

 

@danielhowell

Thanks, Dan. I am okay. I mean I am not, but I am. I am never sure how to explain how I am to people when I am not like that.

 

@bravemarie80s

_Surviving._

 

@danielhowell

Perhaps. How are you.

 

@bravemarie80s

_I am fine. Phil and I have been just recuperating from the Holidays._

 

@danielhowell

I am waiting for that. Next week my mother has surgery (it's common, so it's not a huge thing) so I am off two days this week. Next week when I have to go back to a 5 day work week it's going to be rough, I am afraid.

 

@bravemarie80s

_I can't imagine having mental illness and being forced to work a certain number of hours a week._

 

@danielhowell

It is not without great difficulty.

 

@bravemarie80s

_You are strong._

 

@danielhowell

Thanks. Well, I am going to try to sleep. I am pretty wiped out.

 

@bravemarie80s

_I hope you get some rest._

 

@danielhowell

Sorry I worried you.

 

@bravemarie80s

_Don't worry. I get it._

 

Daniel Howell 8:30AM

_How are you today._

 

Kind of sick, actually.

 

_RIP you._

 

It's fine. I am actually okay. Tired. Sick, but okay.

 

_Good to hear._

 

How are you?

 

_Okay, getting ready to post for memes._

 

Well, good luck.

 

_Thanks. Why do I do this?_

 

For the sick views?

 

_Ha, yes. I bring so much to the platform, honestly._

 

Don't have to tell me, Danny. I know.

 

_I was being sarcastic._

 

I knew that too. Doesn't change the fact that you are a good Youtuber.

 

“ _Good”_

 

Fuck off. You know what I mean.

 

_Yeah, yeah. So what are you plans for the day?_

 

Video games, watching Supernatural.

 

_Uh oh. You are a Supernatural Fan?_

 

Fight me.

 

_No. I would be killed. Instantly._

 

What are you even talking about.

 

_Oh, I have seen some of the things that the members of this fandom post._

 

Ha. Well I am a fan, but not at that level.

 

_Phew! I was truly terrified._

 

Your fandom (“Phan” in particular) is scarier. And more sexual. And you know it.

 

_No comment._

 

Mhm. Exactly.

_Well, is that an insult to yourself? You are in the fandom._

 

When did I ever say I shipped Phan?

 

_Ah. Weeeeell then._

 

So I do this thing where I do and make things awkward too. So. My b.

 

_Yeah. But..._

 

What?

 

_I want to ask you something._

 

Why do I feel like a mouse about to take the cheese?

 

_What even was that analogy?_

 

Fuck. Off.

 

_So can I ask you?_

 

I guess...

 

_Do you ship Phan?_

 

Oh. Wow. Cheese taken. Neck in trap.

 

_Can you stop with that._

 

_I really want to know._

 

…

 

?

 

 

Daniel Howell 11:45AM

_...Hi_

 

Hello.

 

_So. Now things are weird again._

 

Not my fault.

 

_No, you're right. It's mine._

 

Why did you even ask me that.

_I don't know._

 

Lies

 

_I really don't want to talk about it anymore._

 

Okay.

 

_What's happening?_

 

Not much, watching Youtube, playing PUBG.

 

_You kinda are obsessed._

 

Don't bully my Howell. I know you game too.

 

_*Slowly backs away*_

 

What are you doing?

 

_Getting ready to go get food with Phil._

 

Have fun :)

 

_Thanks_

 

 

Daniel Howell 3:30PM

_That was a disaster. We should have ordered in._

 

Uh Oh.

 

_Yeah, crowded, nosily eating children, food was wrong. UGH._

 

First world problems are hard.

 

_Piss off._

 

Well, I'm just saying.

 

_What are you up to tonight?_

 

Going to drink wine and play PUBG.

 

_Well that sounds like blast!_

 

It will be. I have to make dinner first.

 

_Alright, well have a good night, Marie._

You too, Dan.

11:35 Pm

The answer to your question is Yes. I know, it's weird and strange and I probably won't even talk of this conversation again. But yes. I have seen how you look at each other... If that's not true love I don't know what is. Now, if you respect me even a little, you will pretend that I didn't answer yet and assume I just am texting to say hello. Kthanks.

 

_Oh, hey. You've never texted me first before. :)_

 

I've had liquid courage.

 

_Oh really? Party!_

 

Fuck off. I answered your question, right?

 

_Yeah... I thought we weren't to speak of that._

 

Not anymore than this. So my turn.

 

_Oh I see what this is._

 

Shut up, Dan.

 

_It's your turn, apparently._

 

Why did you ask me that, Dan?

 

_I don't know honestly. I feel so comfortable around you, I just wanted to know._

 

Well I am glad you are comfortable.

 

_Also I know you would never ask me._

 

Ask you what?

 

“ _Is Phan real?”_

 

Oh. Well...

 

_Well you wouldn't, would you?_

 

Probably not. It's clearly your business.

 

_This is why I like you. You haven't asked for anything, you are not trying to extort me. You just want to talk._

 

I have been through my fair share of bullshit, Dan. I try to make it a priority to allow people what they need. I figure if you want or need to tell me, you will.

 

_So are you in a relationship._

 

Not for about a year.

 

_Did it end badly?_

 

Yes. Next.

_Okay, Okay. Sorry. I didn't mean to be pushy._

 

No. It's fine, I just can't right now... I have been drinking and I know I will be depressed tomorrow as it is.

 

_I'm sorry. How much did you drink?_

 

Enough.

 

_You should go to bed._

 

YOU should go to bed, it's almost 6:00am in London, right?

 

_You're not wrong._

 

Good night, Dan.

 

_Night._

 

 

Daniel Howell: 7:52AM

 

_How did your night go?_

 

Hey. Okay. Did you get some sleep?

 

_Yes, Phil yelled at me :(_

 

Did he literally yell at you?

 

_Well, no._

 

Oh good. I was worried.

 

_So how are you feeling today? Low? Pit?_

 

Eh, not too bad. I am smart, I drank a lot of water.

 

_Glad to hear it. What is your typical Sunday like?_

 

Cleaning, laundry and cooking. Trying to remain calm as the anxiety eats at me about returning to my Job.

 

_I'm sorry. If it's that bad, you should quit._

 

Yeah, not an option, really.

 

_Yeah...._

 

I know you can't relate to me on that, it's okay. :)

 

_I really can't. I'm sorry._

 

We are from two different worlds, Dan.

 

_Yes, we are._

 

What are your plans?

 

_Planing my video._

 

I am excited to watch it, Dan.

 

_Thanks. Just let me know if you need to talk or anything today, okay?_

 

Sure thing. Thanks.

 

 

Daniel Howell 1:31 Pm

_Hanging in there?_

 

Yes, thanks. I have a pretty bad head ache.

 

_Sorry. Anything I can do?_

 

Nope.

 

_Okay._

 

How is your day going?

 

_We're fine. Phil wanted to message you again, but I told him no. You didn't need his drama today._

 

Thanks? Is he coming for me?

 

_I don't know. Better not be >:(_

 

LOL. It's fine. I can handle myself. I'm older than you both.

 

_Well fine then, g-ma._

 

HEY. Rude.

 

_You brought it it, mate. J/s_

 

UGH, You are an ass.

 

_I've been told ;)_

 

Go hug Phil, loser.

 

_Hey, rude. That rat already got hugs today._

 

Can never have enough.

 

_Hm._

 

So what's on your mind, Dannyfire.

 

_Please. Let the old branding DIE._

 

Naw, it's too fun.

 

_Savage._

 

“HI! My name is...”

 

_NO, DELETE, UNFRIEND._

 

;)

 

_That was harsh._

 

Aww, I'm sorry. Delia Smith, llamas, placenta.

 

_What did I manage to do to warrant such an unprovoked attack?_

 

Unprovoked?

 

_Yes!!_

 

And I quote. “Well fine then, g-ma.”

 

_You clearly did that to yourself._

 

But did you need to go there?

 

_Someone had to._

 

UGH. I have to go do things. By Dan is snot onfire.

_*insert eye roll here*_

 

 

Daniel Howell 6:45 Pm

_*Waves a white flag*_

 

Haha. Peace offering fully accepted.

 

_Phew!_

 

Now that we figure that out...

 

_Just wanted to make sure you know I wasn't really all that mad._

 

Well thank you.

 

_How's the head?_

 

A bit better thanks.

 

_Cool. So I drank wine tonight._

 

Oh really? Party!

 

_I literally hate you._

 

No, you don't. I am too clever for you to hate.

 

_This is true. You are v clever._

 

So. You and Phil getting into the wine on a Sunday night, what is the occasion?

 

_Well, at first it was just me. Then Phil joined, we played a board game and both have gone off to be. I was up waaay to late last night. I just thought I'd ask for a truce first._

 

Haha. Well did you have fun?

 

_Obviously._

 

Who won?

 

_Phil. It's always Phil. I mean It's not like I let him win, but I may not try as hard to not lose. You know the “all or nothing” shit on the gaming channel? Yeah, that's not just the gaming channel :/_

 

OMG, I could totally see that.

 

_Yeah, well he is kinda adorbs._

 

Kinda? No. All the way totally? Yes.

_Shit, the truth comes out._

 

Hey, I thought we were bonding talking about a cute guy! :(

 

_I mean, same, tbh._

 

;)

 

_So, here's the thing...._

 

Yeah?

 

_I ship Phan too._

 

Obviously.

 

_Wait what?_

 

OMG Dan, do you not read a word I say. I can read people well.

 

_But, like.. it's not cannon._

 

Doesn't have to be.

 

_So no fan girling??_

 

This is a text message, Dan. You have no idea what I am doing.

 

_Fair enough. Please don't tell anyone on the internet._

 

Even if I did, it's not like anyone of consequence would believe me.

 

_Still._

 

I won't, Dan. I am not like that. Love is a hell of a thing.

 

_Yes, Yes it is._

 

Get some rest Dan. It'll be okay.

 

_Maybe._

 

Sweet dreams, Dan.

 

_You too. :)_

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this. It is snow balling into something a little different than what I thought it would.  
> I have gotten a few requests to include some things in here that I am still thinking about. If you have any thoughts or suggestions, please email me helfulh956@gmail.com. I HATE spoilers, so this way there wouldn't be any to anyone else if I decided to include your idea. :)
> 
> Thanks again!

**Author's Note:**

> This is self indulgent trash, if I am honest.  
> I have had one of the worst weeks ever and was up so I just wrote this head cannon. Thoughts welcome.
> 
> If you read it I hope you like it somewhat.  
> Thanks.


End file.
